Blog for INC Members

This past week in the INC social whats app group we´ve been discussing the various ways we make friends as expats or returning Spaniards in Madrid. In a city where a lot of people are born and raised here, with extensive friends and family networks on tap, breaking into new friendship groups can pose a challenge to a 35+ year old from elsewhere. In London, I remember counting down the days to my son´s start at the local nursery so that I could scour the playground for other seemingly-fun and frazzled mothers.

Spanish conversation flows

Most UK primary school parents are subjected to a jam-packed calendar of coffee mornings, class dinners and fundraising activities for a new 3D auditorium for the Nativity play. These events are great hunting grounds for the shark parents looking to find fellow finned friends with which to share summer villas in Crete so that Johnny can splash about in the infinity pool with Richard from Class 1B while their parents polish off their second bottle of rosé before 11.30 am.  

Enjoying some Spanish equestrian culture

In Madrid Juan and Ricardo´s parents may well be having a weekly bottle of Rioja with their in laws on a Sunday followed by a few Estrella Galicia cervezas or three in their grandmother´s pueblo on a puente weekend or even a copita of fino in their holiday house in El Puerto de Santa María. So where does that leave the midlife expats or Spaniards looking for new friendships in this vibrant city? Well actually, in quite a good position …if you know what to look for and how to find it.

Ana, a native Spaniard from Area 2/3 points out that Madrid is teeming with diverse cultural options ranging from book clubs to dance groups and language classes in addition to the international clubs and societies. “Some examples are the Madrid Players theatrical group, St George’s Church, The Madrid International Choir, The James Joyce society and The Yeats Society. Many of the members of these international groups are Spanish people who value international social contact.” It´s fair to say that compared to when I first lived here in the 1980’s, Spaniards are far more mobile than ever and many are keen to enjoy a parallel social life with an international crowd.

However, as with any fast-paced capital city, lack of time seems to be a recurring barrier as Area 2/3’s Sinéad , who advises expat families on schools explains, “A common disappointment I encounter from clients is how difficult it is to make meaningful friendships beyond the playground chit chat.”  Apparently making Irish friends can be equally challenging for Spaniards in Dublin. “A lot of them only have foreign friends despite working with Irish colleagues,” according to Sinéad. A sentiment echoed by many Spanish friends who have lived in London as I recall.

So how can we go about successful friend dating? Holly from Area 2/3 seems to have had some success expanding her and Spanish husband´s social circle beyond his school and university network,  “I hosted a dinner party on Saturday for English speaking mums and their Spanish speaking partners, and I think the men were surprised how much fun it was and would probably do it again.” I agree, a bit of social engineering and creativity can go a long way. Why not turn the fact that you have been exposed to other ways of socialising to your (and everyone´s) advantage?

Ten years ago, when I arrived here I decided that an 11.30 am breakfast for flexi-workers represented the ideal opportunity to invite acquaintances to crumpets (good old Warburton´s frozen ones from Carrefour) and a pot of Earl Grey.  Whereas lunch is for more intimately acquainted people and dinner is more formal, a rolling breakfast is a bit of a free for all. People perch happily on sofas either indoors or on the porch and come and go as they wish or can. You can mix up lots of social groups, maintain one conversation with a group of 5-6 or enlarge it to several concurrent conversations by inviting 10. I maintain a list of attendees and rotate people so that their common interests are stretched just enough so that they feel they´ve learned something new without them feeling they´ve been beamed up to Mars for two hours. That way everyone leaves refreshed and invigorated for having stepped out of their ubiquitous bubble for a morning.

Amigas on my porch

Another winning formula is dressing up….whilst less common in Spanish circles, this provides the ideal ice-breaker. “Why exactly do you have an axe protruding out of your head?” can trigger an hour-long conversation at the bar area. I once organised a dinner party on a Wednesday (again, breaking with protocol) and 2 of the couples dropped out at the last moment. Faced with a mountain of marinading chicken curry, I managed to creatively fill both spots with 2 couples who had nothing in common with the other 2. So, I rang all 4 couples at 6 pm and explained that they had to come dressed up as someone from the country beginning with the same letter as their first name. Three hours later, a buxom barmaid in Oktoberfest garb rang the bell, at the same time as a flouncy Flamenco dancer and a man with well-worn lederhosen to name a few of the outfits. I finally chased them all out of my dining room at 3 am. Goodness knows if they would actually recognise each other today in a regular suit.

Various nationalities represented at our Leaving London party

Whilst you are coming up with ingenious ways of socialising it´s worth bearing in mind that you are living in a city where “el mundo es un pañuelo” or rather, everyone knows everyone or is even possibly related to everyone. The fact that people use two surnames narrows the potential anonymity further as both the maternal and paternal side of the Spanish family tree can be identified.

Shortly after my arrival here, I took my 18 month-old daughter to a Spanish friend´s house for our weekly informal playgroup. On my first day there, I met a Spanish girl from Andalucía who said she had Scottish cousins. As a Scot myself and having worked with quite a few Jerezanos with Scottish connections in the sherry industry I decided to inquire what their names were. To which she replied with the name of my brother´s best friend from Southampton University in the UK.

INC coffee at my house in 2016

That evening my husband went to a funeral and met up with one of his long-lost friends. His friend hadn´t seen him during my husband´s 11-year stint in London and asked whom he had ended up marrying. When my husband replied his wife was Scottish, his friend remarked that his wife had just met a Scot that morning at a playgroup. This “small world” scenario can be played to an outsider´s advantage, as you only need to scratch the surface before you come up with friends or acquaintances in common.

Huge coincidences or twists of fate also happen within INC. Years ago, after an enjoyable Museum Forum visit we trotted off to the museum café for a coffee. At the time I was on the look out for a Spanish INC member to interview for my next Spotlight blog so I deliberately sat next to a woman speaking Spanish. Whilst eavesdropping on her conversation I was bemused by her reference to Claudia and Andrés. Eventually I interrupted her and we discovered that Loreto and I are the exact mirror image of each other. She is married to a Brit and has a Claudia and Andrés whilst I am married to a Spaniard and have an Andrés and a Claudia. Not only that, both our Andreses have ADHD so Loreto has become an invaluable source of tips as I have struggled to navigate the ensuing parental challenges with Spanish psychiatrists. We are firm friends today.

INC Quiz time

INC is also a source of meaningful friendships for many members long after they´ve flown away from Madrid.  In fact, Loreto and several members of INC, both past and present are about to meet up in Scotland later this month with 2 Scots, 2 Spaniards, 1 Japanese, 1 Lebanese and two others flying over from Brazil and Saudi Arabia. This is testament to the bond that this club provides and also to those that take the trouble to cultivate and maintain the relationships formed within it despite busy diaries and the distance that separates them.

The Menina Race

For friendships are like plants, they need nurturing and tender loving care.  Madrid has many gems to offer, both new and long-term residents. Starting anew or returning home after years away gives us an opportunity to look within ourselves and see how we can enrich other people´s lives before we look to enriching our own. What´s your favourite way to make friends?

Vivienne Sarobe, psychologist and founder of OASIS talks to us about the place of happiness and wellbeing she has created in La Moraleja and the importance of reigniting our playful side.

Where did you live as a third culture child, constantly on the move?

My parents are both Spanish and we moved a lot because my father is an engineer who helped build the Puente de Salazar in Lisbon and many electrical power plants. I went to 9 different schools and was exposed to many languages growing up: English, Spanish, French, Swahili, Xosa, Zulu, Sutu, Welsh, Afrikaans, Italian, Portuguese, Mandarin…I still use three.

What about later when you were in your twenties onwards?

I started a law degree with the aim of becoming a diplomat, but then I was swayed by psychology as I love listening to people and really understanding them. I set up a private practice in La Moraleja, and also passed a public examination that led me to the public sector for several years and I also helped found City Country, an American Spanish Montessori Project School.

Vivienne´s oasis in La Moraleja

You have been a psychologist for 36 years, what lessons have you learned?

We need to understand our individual nature and take into account our own specific needs as well as celebrating diversity. Most difficulties arise because we don´t understand a particular need or uniqueness. You can´t judge a fish for its ability to climb a tree!

Oh, and now that I´m sixty years old I can afford to say, the most important thing is LOVE. Love is not a feeling but a practice of acceptance and understanding that requires discipline, kindness; patience; great courage; imagination; sensitivity and everything you´ve got.

How did you come up with the concept of Eggomotion?

I have a Youtube channel called Vivienne Sarobe, which explains it.  One day a client asked me to explain procrastination, so I took some eggs from the fridge and painted the facial expressions that reflected the issues being discussed.  I left them in the office and my patients started to relate to them and asked me to paint more, and the concept just grew from there.

One day my dog, Wanda, ate one of the eggs so I began to use wooden “Eggos”! Eggomotion is a narrative to help us see and play with the mind. I have two books on Amazon, “Eggomotion, the mind in motion” and “Learn Eggomotion”. which teaches the method in Spanish and English. I´m currently working on the next book.

You have recently launched OASIS, what is it all about?

It´s a centre dedicated to happiness, wellbeing and learning. We have a wide range of multi-lingual highly trained professionals such our psychologist who qualified at Columbia University; our psychiatrist who has worked for the National Health System in the UK and our art team.

Our mission to is help people to feel at home in Madrid and fully supported as they integrate into life here. We adopt a very practical and dynamic approach. Mental health is particularly important to expats as constant moves, the lack of family nearby and cultural changes are objectively stressful and require very specific tools to help them navigate the course.

Why is play and playfulness so essential our wellbeing?

Play and playfulness are a great medium to rehearse and experiment with facets of life that we find hard. So that we´re better prepared for them. They are even great healing tools for trauma if you know how to use them.

Art in the making in Oasis

You are also an accomplished singer, what role does music play in OASIS?

Songs are a great way to teach emotional intelligence in a way that resonates with children and adults alike. Apart from being therapeutic in itself, music provides a language with which we can explore our minds whilst at ease and make friends all over the world.

We offer workshops to discover your own voice and music and we create tailor-made workshops to suit.

In addition to expat support what other services do you offer?

We are also culture vultures and thanks to my black book of local experts we can provide top-notch classes in diverse areas such as the arts, psychology; communication; parenting; skills for family life and/or couples; tools to ease adaptation to expat life; what to expect in mourning, …anything concerning the mind.   

Vivienne encourages us to be playful

What makes OASIS different from other wellbeing centres?

We´re a one-stop shop for the international community and returnee Spaniards to ease that transition into Madrid life. We have all experienced expat life first-hand so we understand exactly what it feels like. This enables us to connect with our clients on a deeper level as we speak the same cultural language in all its guises.

We listen between the lines to uncover what our clients really need. We then address the whole self and offer a bespoke plan to focus on those requirements.   

Vivienne´s jazz group

What do you do in your spare time?

Believe it or not, I rest…. and write; sing; paint and garden. I have lots of lovely friends to share life with. My latest book and record, about the grief of losing my son, is coming out in April 2024. It´s been such a positive experience putting this together. So many parents lose a child but it´s rarely discussed. Mourning in general is overlooked, so I wanted to share my experience.

My band performs at public and private venues. We do events, weddings, cocktails, house concerts, etc.  In fact we have accidentally become professional!

Where is your OASIS?

Right next to La Moraleja, exit 17, in a beautiful little community of houses.

Oasis – Therapy, learning, and art by and for members of the international community

Contact Vivienne Sarobe at 616108013 or viviennesarobe@gmail.com

Oasis can bring out the artist in you

March means we´re in full calçot season. These giant spring onions are cultivated in Valls, near Tarragona and are enjoyed from Figuerès to Fuengirola.  At this time of year, people drive for miles around Catalunya to enjoy char-grilled stems which are often served in newspaper or on terracotta roof tiles. Once you´ve peeled off the outer part you´re left with a tender gooey stem.

The Annual Fiesta de la Calçotada in Valls

Farmers from the town of Valls in Tarragona were the first to harvest these onions. As the stems began to grow, they piled on earth around the shoots to force them to grow upwards to the surface, a bit like a leek. The name hails from this growing technique as the process is called calçar in Catalán which literally means “to cover the bottom part”. It also serves to keep the subterranean roots snow white in colour. The coveted long spring onion shape ensures a more even grilling than the bulbous variety. 

Every year approximately 55 million of these alliums are harvested from November to May although only 10% originate from the heartland of Valls which is now a protected designated area.

Burning bushels of onions

Legend has it that a 19th century farm-hand called Xat de Benaiges accidentally burned some onions he was cooking on a fire. Eager to preserve the insides, he peeled them, only to discover that the inner layers had reduced down to a tasty unctuous delicacy and the trend took hold.

By the 20th century, the tradition of families and friends gathering around communal barbecues of the calçots from December to May had given rise to the phenomenon of calçotadas. Today this popular ritual is responsible for long queues of cars snaking their way out of Barcelona and Tarragona in search of their favoured blackened vegetable in local masías or farmhouse-type restaurants.

Eating calçots is an art

Eating these wobbly long onions is a bit of an art and bibs or “pitets” are handed out in a mandatory fashion. The onions are not completely cleaned as a little earth protects their outer skin.  You have to hold a ‘calçot’ by the leaf with one hand and stretch out the peel downwards with the other hand.  Calçotadas can last for several hours and usually take place on Sundays as most participants eat as many as 25-35 per head. There are many eating competitions and calçot festivities as far afield as Dublin, London and New York if you haven´t been struck down with indigestion.

Calçots in romesco soup – A creation from the infamous Torres Brothers

Almost as appreciated as the vegetables themselves is the sauce that accompanies them.  Most restaurants up and down Spain serve them with Romesco. Yet the real die-hard aficionados stick to the local salvitxada which is a bit sweeter as it contains dried ñora peppers as opposed to the choricero variety found in Romesco. The other ingredients include toasted almonds and hazelnuts, roast tomatoes and garlic, olive oil, garlic, vinegar and parsley, which can either be ground in a pestle and mortar or liquidised for a smoother sauce.

Some chefs have come up with various innovative versions of these prized scallions such as confit calçots served with a meat and butifarra sausage gravy or even a crunchy calçot tempura dipped in curry sauce in Barra Alta restaurant in Madrid and Barcelona.

Barra Alta restaurant offers a modern twist

I am also a fan of the jarred calçot sauce, made with tomatoes and toasted almonds from most sizeable supermarkets. It goes down very well with fish and grilled meat, especially when accompanied by a chilled beer or copita of fino. On occasions I have been known to adulterate calçots with some tabasco but only because I eat chilli with almost everything.  Apart from the chocolate stash I´m saving for Easter Day.

Italian- born Cris Barbi, an experienced estate agent talks to us about the property market in Madrid and her passion for photography

What do most expats look for in a house or an apartment here in the suburbs of Madrid?

Most clients are interested in light, space and proximity to their children’s school. Outside space is also an important attribute such as a terrace for an apartment and a swimming pool for a house.  These are also key reasons why many clients prefer the outskirts of the city, in addition to getting a bigger bang for their buck in the city centre.

Maxing out at Remax

Do you specialise more in sales or rentals?

I do both. My clients are both Spanish and Expats and as an expat myself I appreciate how hard the leasing process is here in Spain. I also help a lot of foreign buyers to understand the sales process here with all the legislative foibles there are this jungle market, ensuring they don´t fall into the wrong hands.

Family time

How did you first get into the real estate business?

I´ve been an Expat for more than 20 years and although I have dealt with some good real estate agents, I’ve never found one that I´ve been 100% happy with. I wanted to be that agent I never had. I started in Brazil in January 2016 and continued on my return to Madrid later on the same year.

Daredevil Cris at Iguassu Falls

Which nationalities are the most and least demanding clients?

Americans are used to professional service, transparency, modern and well-maintained houses, none of which is easy to find here.

Overseas clients coming from troubled areas are often happy to overlook some of a particular house´s issues and to sacrifice some of their requirements in order to settle here quickly.

Spacious living

What is the key to a successful estate agent?

Listen, listen and listen some more and apply oodles of patience. Good negotiation skills go a long way too!

You lived in Curitiba for 10 years, how do your Madrileño customers differ from the Brazilian ones?

Brazil is closer to the American Real Estate market in so far as you need a licence to work in this field, unlike in Madrid, where anybody can start up in this industry with no experience whatsoever and this is often reflected in the poor image that Spanish property owners have of my profession.

Iconic Ipanema

How did you get into photography and how has it shaped your life?

I have always loved photography as a way to capture a detail that trigger an emotion ten years from now. I like photos that tell a story. I´d love to incorporate a bio-engineered camera in my eyes!

Cris captures the essence of Camburiu

What trends do you see in the real estate business in Madrid in general?

Some say that AI will take over even in Real Estate and some Companies are already using impersonal online sites to list properties, charging a fixed minimum amount. However, I still feel that buying a house is such an emotional process which must be taken into account. For example, some people have to downsize for heartfelt reasons. I work with people, not bricks. AI wouldn´t know the difference….at least for the time being.

Blue sky living

Where would you buy a flat or a house if you could choose, budget aside?

As an investment maybe Tetuán, Embajadores or Pacífico…although prices are already going up.

 Otherwise, I love Chamberí, Justicia, Lista and some parts of Hortaleza and Charmartín as they are quieter than the more touristic areas such as Recoletos. In terms of the suburbs, both Pozuelo and Majadahonda tick my boxes.

Email Cristina.barbi@remax.es

Tel  – 34 636 47 58 29

Relaxing in Sicily

Before our Co-Vice President moves back to Germany we take a heady nose dive into big hitter, María Elena´s multi-faceted life as a British-born university lecturer, author and motivational trainer and former globetrotting fashion buyer who spent her formative years amongst colourful peacocks in the heart of the English countryside.

Your parents are from Spain, do you feel at home here?

I do feel totally at home in Spain, especially in Galicia where my extended family live.

María Elena at Belvoir Castle

How has being brought up in an English fairytale castle where your parents worked shaped your life?

It undoubtedly gave me my fascination with clothes. Living at such a grand 356-room castle gave me a glimpse into a world where the ladies were all beautiful and glamourous. It prompted me to go into fashion retail.

As a daughter of 2 chefs, are you a culinary goddess?

Yes, I am a good cook. However, I do not enjoy cooking and the happiest period of my life was when we lived in Hong Kong and I didn´t cook anything for almost four years as we had the luxury of a live-in helper who did it all. Absolute heaven.

María Elena with her brother on a visit to Belvoir Castle

How did you cope moving round the UK every few years?

I had a big enough ´why´, working in fashion retail, to make the ´what´ of moving around the country at a moment´s notice manageable. I made sure that in every town I moved to I had certain elements in my life that brought me joy, such as a nice home, a friend and tennis.  I called this my ´Joy Backbone´ and you can read about it in my chapter in The Book on Joy.

Do you have any amusing stories about adapting to life in Hong Kong?

As an English teacher, I would be despatched to various government schools in places far away from the glitzy Central district. Hong Kong has these fantastic minibuses that take you everywhere, but they don´t have proper bus stops. You just shout out to the driver when you want to get off. As the only Westerner on these buses, I found the thought of shouting out in my tourist Cantonese so excruciatingly mortifying that I just used to wait until someone else got off, meaning that I regularly ended up miles away from where I was meant to be and had a pretty long walk back.

María Elena in action in Hong Kong

You coach people on how to add more joy into their lives, how do you add more to yours?

By keeping the things that bring me joy at the forefront of my mind and ensuring that I follow them as a guide to how I live my life. l have my current top 5 on my noticeboard as a constant reminder.

What is it about being a motivational speaker that inspires you?

Having the opportunity to influence people´s lives for the good.

María Elena in virtual action

What was it like bringing up your husband´s 3 German-speaking children in a suburb of Dusseldorf?

As a non-German-speaking career girl, it was both a baptism of fire and a comedy of errors, involving lots of hand gestures and exaggerated facial expressions.

María Elena at home in Germany

What´s your favourite podcast?

Best Friend Therapy, which mirrors conversations I love to have with my own best friend. I also like My Wardrobe Malfunction, which is all about our relationship with clothes.

Which lesson has been the hardest to learn?

The reality of the words about friends in the poem, Train of Life, and how we never know when they will step down and vacate their seat.

https://allpoetry.com/poem/16173387-The-Train-of-Life-by-Vincent-Moore

Are you a natural sportswoman?

No, definitely not.  However, I have always loved tennis. Nothing beats hitting a scorching winner down the line. I came to yoga during my Hong Kong years, learning it from an array of Indian yogis who manoeuvred me into positions I didn´t believe possible. I love the stretched-out feeling yoga gives me, coupled with the sense of accomplishment when conquering a tricky pose.

Hard-hitters

Which fashion website should we consult for the latest trends?

My daily guilty pleasure is the “moda” section of Hola.com. I´ve also recently gone back to my first love, fashion magazines, which are great here in Spain.

María in her fashion executive days

Why can´t you stay still?

I spend so much time immersed in the world of personal development, it´s almost impossible not to be. Being surrounded by positive, enthusiastic people lifts you to new heights.

Where´s next for María Elena?

My third collaborative book, The Book on Abundance, is released mid-February. My chapter is all about what a wardrobe purge tells you about yourself. I´m launching an online course, English for Fashion Buying and Retail, in the summer and following that, my friend and I are planning on creating our own podcast in the latter part of the year.  The working title is ´Would I do that differently now?´ and it´s a light-hearted reflection on life with the benefit of hindsight and experience.

María Elena strikes a pose in yoga in Granada

The Asturians are baying for blood, yet the jury has spoken and as of March last year, the Best Fabada in the World is in Madrid! The winners of last year´s competition was none other than the Mesón Asturiano Sidrería Arturo in the Hortaleza area of our capital.

The ultimate taste test

Originally run by Asturians, today the Mesón is in the hands of chef proprietor Carlos Guillermo García, a former pharmacist from Peru. Unable to find work in his previous profession, he was forced to take a cooking job to make ends meet. “I´d never even been near a saucepan in my life”, confesses García timidly. The original Asturian owners treated him like one of the family and passed on their secret recipe for their winning bean stew on their retirement in 2015 and García has been working his chemistry on it ever since.

García’s magic touch comes up trumps

For those of you unfamiliar with Spanish pulses, fabada is a slow-cooked white bean dish with various guises of pork. Ranging from morcilla (blood sausage), chorizo, tocino and pancetta (lard and bacon). Slightly similar to its French cousin, cassoulet, yet without the silky duck confit.  This is potent fare and the resultant gases when eaten in “fartura”, which ironically means abundance in Asturiano, and harnessed correctly could probably power the whole of Pozuelo.

People travel from miles around to sample the Mesón’s Asturian fare

On an icy cold day I am rather partial to a steaming bowl of fabada and on a recent trip to Asturias we had the pleasure of sampling a delicious variety at Casa Belén in Villaviciosa, just 20 minutes inland from the beautiful coastal town of Gijón. Asturians are known for their hearty appetite so the Menú del Día comprised an ample starter of Sopa de Ajo, alias a garlic and pimentón soup thickened with bread, a giant chalice of Fabada and then the other regional speciality: Cachopo (2 breaded veal fillets filled with melted cheese) & chips washed down with cider and Belén´s special natillas (custard) to follow, all for the paltry sum of €15. The Macdonalds Happy Meal with its meagre soggy burger and mass produced French Fries for the same price wouldn´t do very well in this area…..

Playa Rodiles, near Villaviciosa makes for a popular holiday spot

Funnily enough, if you´re looking for a quick fix, whilst not being a huge advocate of tinned food, the Litoral brand of ready made fabada is surprisingly tasty and the giant catering can sizes of 5 portions have served up many a happy winter lunch to me and my 51 immediate in laws at the farm near Aranjuez where we got married. Think of it as gourmet Baked Beans with all the porky trimmings. It certainly takes pride of place as a Spanish storeroom staple and I´m hoping to get my hands on some of Jurgita´s prize Lithuanian chillies to perk up my next Asturian ration.

My go-to Fabada, sssh, don´t spill the beans

So watch this space for a possible visit to an Asturian restaurant with the lunch bunch coming soon….

Belén serves up a mean bean feast for two

Mesón Sidrería Arturo – Calle del Mar Bering, 9. Hortaleza, Madrid. Tel 917 63 12 39

Casa Belén – Calle General Campomanes, 1, Villaviciosa, Asturias. Tel 696 05 37 21